We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
