He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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