and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
