I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
