The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I bet he comes in French.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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