Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You did what with his pubic hair?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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