a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
