Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I smell stomach acid.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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