No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
