Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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