Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
