i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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