I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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