this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
