so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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