she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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