In America we eat man semen.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
