was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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