Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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