Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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