Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
