oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
