I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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