This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
