im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
