Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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