People with herpes should wear stickers.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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