his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
