dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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