I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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