I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
