My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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