my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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