It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
