I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
