if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
