Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
