Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
