Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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