A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
