At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
