I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize