I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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