So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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