and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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