God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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