And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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