Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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