I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
