Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I need water and some morals
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
