The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
