Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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