why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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