You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
