I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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