I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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